A Message From the Inside

They say – those notorious sayers of supposed truth and wisdom, whoever they may be – that appearances can be deceptive.

To anyone on the autistic spectrum, this is not news – it is a way of life. Nothing is rarely – if ever – as it seems to us. So many games; so many hidden meanings; passive-aggressiveness; sarcasm; nuance in the look, the body language, and us… A blunted hammer in a world of needles and scalpels.

This, though, is a message. From me to any of the neurotypical folk who look in on my life and my relationship and think all is fine. Appearances can be deceptive. Continue reading “A Message From the Inside”

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I fear for my grip on the life I have. It is slipping slowly, surely, away from me, piece by piece. My partner is as distant now as he was when he lived 150 miles away, and if he should go, the other dominoes will follow – our house, our dog, my ability to face work, my strength to fight through University studies.

And as always, I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do about it. I want, so desperately, for him to understand that, and move toward me in our stand-off, but… Nothing. Just silence.

The pain is unbearable these days.

Yesterday

All my troubles seemed so far away. But distance is all subjective. They felt so far away because my partner and I had enjoyed one good evening in each other’s company. It made the world of difference.

But it didn’t last. It never lasts. I embarked on what was actually an incredibly tough day, with little to no support from anyone around me – least of all him. Continue reading “Yesterday”

Jealous Guy

Another song title – this time John Lennon’s, but one I have had pounding through my mind this weekend, in anticipation of today, when my partner spent the morning with friends and their kids. Continue reading “Jealous Guy”

I’m a problem-solver, a twisted problem-solver

Which is better in a way than being a firestarter. Though, in my own, way I start fires every damn day.

No, this is a topic that has only really come to make sense to me, in a broad kind of way., lately. I do not consider myself a problem-solver in a typically autistic way… Science and numbers are beyond me, as are puzzles like crosswords, Sudoku and Rubik’s Cube etc.

Instead, I can examine the pattern of my life – and analyse my own perspective – and see that it is all based, fundamentally, on trying to solve a problem. It explains so much of my past, and why I encourage others around me to just.. Give something a go. Because you just keep.. Trying. Whatever it takes, y’know… To solve the problem.

And I like it. On reflection, it has been misconstrued as resilience, or optimism, when in truth, I am an infinite, crushing mess inside. But still I like it. It is perhaps one thing about myself, and my journey, that I can say I am proud of and I like. I wonder if it is the case that others give up more easily in the face of things, but I – in my determination to solve the problem – keep plodding on and trying something else…

I wonder if that is my general fascination with people… That I don’t understand them and they are a constantly-evolving problem to try and solve…

Interesting…