All my troubles seemed so far away. But distance is all subjective. They felt so far away because my partner and I had enjoyed one good evening in each other’s company. It made the world of difference.
But it didn’t last. It never lasts. I embarked on what was actually an incredibly tough day, with little to no support from anyone around me – least of all him. Continue reading “Yesterday”
Which is veeeeeeery different to “independence”, in that I am probably, most likely, almost surely mired in dependence on my partner.
And he has gone away for three days with work, which shouldn’t be a big deal to me, but is.
Because it means my routines have changed. It means my environment has changed; emptied of his sounds and presence. And it means my responsibilities have changed, too. I now have sole charge of our dog, and must now try to remember and accomplish all of the things that are usually his job to remember and accomplish.
In short, I must, for these three days, be two people. Which is difficult when, on most days, I barely feel like one….
For some time this is genuinely what I thought Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars were on about in their song, but no.
Instead, I’ve decided it’s an accurate portrayal of my day. Especially because I am now in a funk from which I have no idea how to recover. Every word or action from my boyfriend has exacerbated it and I have now alienated him for the evening too.
Not ideal when I need him to reach out to me and fix this.
Not ideal when I blame him almost entirely for triggering this mood, but he still can’t understand why.
As such we’re sat in silence; I at the table, he slumped on the couch like a sad, pathetic shadow. Whatever his deficiencies, I know I am responsible for driving him to this state, just as he is responsible for mine.
Some would say we’re probably not meant to be…