All my troubles seemed so far away. But distance is all subjective. They felt so far away because my partner and I had enjoyed one good evening in each other’s company. It made the world of difference.

But it didn’t last. It never lasts. I embarked on what was actually an incredibly tough day, with little to no support from anyone around me – least of all him. Continue reading “Yesterday”


That’s Not My Name

By which I mean, of course, Sheldon Cooper. Off of that ‘Big Bang Theory’ on the telly.

Yes, I now have a personal stake in the debate that rages about the benefits of mainstream visibility and its drawbacks. It is an issue I have seen – and faced – before with the LGBT community (of which I am part only in name. Aspie = no social, remember?)

So yes, while it is heartening to see someone, somewhere on TV entering into people’s hearts and minds whilst displaying many of the typical traits of the autism spectrum, it is equally damn frustrating when, in response to revealing my own diagnosis, people say, “Oh like Sheldon Cooper, you mean?”

To which I can only really say no, not like Sheldon. Not at all “like Sheldon”. And begin a long and impassioned rant on the subject until they are under no illusion that I do not appreciate having my personal experience of autism – and living with it – overshadowed by a fictional TV character whom, were he officially diagnosed as being on the spectrum, would have a hugely different experience and many of his own traits.

In short, I am my own person. We are all our own people. Autism or not, we remain individuals and we do not like being lumped in as one quirky group of “otherness”.

So stop it, please.

I’m a problem-solver, a twisted problem-solver

Which is better in a way than being a firestarter. Though, in my own, way I start fires every damn day.

No, this is a topic that has only really come to make sense to me, in a broad kind of way., lately. I do not consider myself a problem-solver in a typically autistic way… Science and numbers are beyond me, as are puzzles like crosswords, Sudoku and Rubik’s Cube etc.

Instead, I can examine the pattern of my life – and analyse my own perspective – and see that it is all based, fundamentally, on trying to solve a problem. It explains so much of my past, and why I encourage others around me to just.. Give something a go. Because you just keep.. Trying. Whatever it takes, y’know… To solve the problem.

And I like it. On reflection, it has been misconstrued as resilience, or optimism, when in truth, I am an infinite, crushing mess inside. But still I like it. It is perhaps one thing about myself, and my journey, that I can say I am proud of and I like. I wonder if it is the case that others give up more easily in the face of things, but I – in my determination to solve the problem – keep plodding on and trying something else…

I wonder if that is my general fascination with people… That I don’t understand them and they are a constantly-evolving problem to try and solve…