Is this the real life…?

Is this just fantasy?

It’s a good fucking question.

What is real?

Jealous Guy

Another song title – this time John Lennon’s, but one I have had pounding through my mind this weekend, in anticipation of today, when my partner spent the morning with friends and their kids.

I’m a problem-solver, a twisted problem-solver

Which is better in a way than being a firestarter. Though, in my own, way I start fires every damn day.

No, this is a topic that has only really come to make sense to me, in a broad kind of way., lately. I do not consider myself a problem-solver in a typically autistic way… Science and numbers are beyond me, as are puzzles like crosswords, Sudoku and Rubik’s Cube etc.

Instead, I can examine the pattern of my life – and analyse my own perspective – and see that it is all based, fundamentally, on trying to solve a problem. It explains so much of my past, and why I encourage others around me to just.. Give something a go. Because you just keep.. Trying. Whatever it takes, y’know… To solve the problem.

And I like it. On reflection, it has been misconstrued as resilience, or optimism, when in truth, I am an infinite, crushing mess inside. But still I like it. It is perhaps one thing about myself, and my journey, that I can say I am proud of and I like. I wonder if it is the case that others give up more easily in the face of things, but I – in my determination to solve the problem – keep plodding on and trying something else…

I wonder if that is my general fascination with people… That I don’t understand them and they are a constantly-evolving problem to try and solve…

Interesting…